Gate 6 · Friction

What it is like

Your openness to people comes in waves, and it isn't always a choice. It helps to say this out loud, so that distance doesn't sound like rejection.

When someone close has it

This person is close one moment and needs space the next, and it's usually not about the other person. A calm talk about it works better than guessing.

A question for today

Who am I setting a boundary with today, and do they know it isn't about them?

The six lines of gate 6

1. Line 1 · Brief Quarrel

   This line looks for firm ground before it lets anyone come close or enters a dispute. You prefer to know where you stand, you do not drag a matter out longer than needed, and you end a small misunderstanding with one sentence. The old image calls this the good sense that does not feed a conflict. When the ground is uncertain, it is easy to close the subject too soon and leave something unsaid between you and the other person.

2. Line 2 · Home Ground

   Here the boundary works by reflex, without deliberation. You know when a dispute cannot be won, and you withdraw to your own people, to home, to those with whom there is no need to defend yourself. Others sometimes draw you out of this shelter because they need your presence. Sometimes the withdrawal comes so fast that the other side has no chance to understand what is happening.

3. Line 3 · An Old Principle

   This line learns about boundaries through situations in which trust breaks. You hold to what is proven, old agreements and long-standing rules, and when one of them fails you find out where your space really ends. Every such break tells you something new about whom you open up to, and when. When disappointments multiply, it is easy to close yourself off from everyone, although the next relationship may look completely different.

4. Line 4 · Turning Back

   Here the boundary takes shape in relationships with people you know. Instead of winning an argument, you can stop, return to what matters in that relationship, and change your own stance. Friends value you because a conflict does not cancel closeness. Sometimes you let go too often just to keep the peace in the group, and then your boundary becomes invisible even to you.

5. Line 5 · A Fair Ear

   This line makes others come to you when their boundaries collide. They see in you someone who will hear both sides and find a solution fair to each, at work, in the family, among friends. Your impartiality really cools the tension. When expectations grow too large, it is easy to take other people's disputes onto yourself and forget your own boundaries, which nobody guards then.

6. Line 6 · Belt Taken Back

   Here boundaries are seen from a distance, from the position of someone who already knows the price of won arguments. Over time you see that a victory forced through a quarrel is easily lost, and you teach others a calmer way of being with people. The old image is of a belt taken away three times before the morning is over. Sometimes the distance grows so wide that the people close to you do not know how to reach you, and the first step toward them then falls to you.

The centre of this gate

• Solar Plexus

Channels through gate 6

• 59–6 · Intimacy